Always another Mother's Day!

Even though this is my first real official Mother's Day this year, Luke has been so cute to always celebrate it and acknowledge it since we have been married. I would always argue with him that I am not a mother yet but he would always surprise me and do something special because he picked me out to be a mother to his children whether I had any at the time or not. I always felt silly but liked it at the same time because I have always wanted to be a mom. Despite my desires and goals for many other things in life I have always tried to develop and learn the skills that would help me be a good mother to my children and to others who also need the service that mother's often give regardless of literal relations. On Sunday, due to some excellent speakers in church, I kept asking myself if I am a Woman of God? And what actions does a Woman of God do? What actions should I stop doing and do more of to be more like a Woman of God? I was very lost in thought through the rest of church.
I think through the course of the whole mother's day I felt every emotion there is to be felt from guilt to shame to embarrassment to frustration to entitlement to denial to anxiety to confusion-- to confidence to courage to satisfaction to love to lightheartedness to silliness to happiness to gratitude and lastly to exhaustion. Consequently, I drug my poor husband and daughter along with me. Luke is so patient with me like when he is sitting there trying to give me a gift and I won't stop cleaning up to let him give it to me because I feel like I don't deserve it. But at the same time, I am wondering if he really wanted to give me a gift/card or if he just did it because it is Mother's day again because I don't deserve his love. But then I am also hoping that he got the bike trailer for us to go on bike rides and so I can get around faster than walking since I don't have a car and that he better have remembered because he wants to too. Then I am mad at myself for thinking that stupid thought because it makes him mad that I don't know that he loves me no matter what. I feel bad for the times when I am a confused, emotional and complicated woman (more often than I wished but not as often as in the past) trying to handle everything in my control and misinterpreting other's words or actions against myself.
Therefore I am extremely grateful to those around me- my husband, my daughter, my in-laws, my parents, my siblings, my friends, and my aquaintances who despite my crazy insanity in my head, love me no matter what and still want to spend time with me. They help me appreciate all of the qualities that makes others feel loved and ones that I want to develop to truly forget myself and serve others. That is the challenge in this life and I think motherhood/womanhood is a particularly good calling to practice, mess-up, and try again but know that the Lord is there to make up the difference. After all, that is what our mother's did and what we are trying to do now with their help. I love my mom and mother-in-law. I love being a mother and more importantly a woman with the blessings (and curses) that go along with it. (I know some of you are totally shocked because many times in my life I have wished I was a man.) I can finally say, today, that I no longer wish that I was a man and I don't think I will ever again. I love being a woman- a mom, a daughter, a sister, a wife, and most importantly a friend. Thanks for always forgiving me when I am more selfish-than selfless. I have to forgive myself too and know that I am going to mess up again. But there will always be more Mother's Days when I will probably feel inadequate again but all we can say is at least we are trying and chalk it up to having a good day--which indeed we did. It ended just right!!!