Huke n' Lollie: June 2009

Engineers view: Men vs. Women-

This is my most recent lesson learned. If I would have realized how often I try to make Luke feel and act like a woman when dealing with me, earlier on in marriage, I think it would have prevented a lot of arguments that were exacerbated because he didn't respond or act the way I wanted him to or the way I thought he should because that is what I needed and... if he LOVED me then he would have automatically responded that way in the first place. NOT TRUE!!! MEN are NOT programmed like women. PHYSICALLY or PSYCHOLOGICALLY! No matter how hard I try or want to teach Luke what I need from him when I am distressed or upset or confused, if it is the natural way a woman would respond, that will not be Luke's first thought. Even if he wanted it to be BECAUSE... he is a man.
Where is all of this coming from you say? How did I just stumble upon this lesson that is going to make things easier WHEN I remember it? Well here is the story... funny NOW but NOT THEN. I CAN laugh now...
We sold our second car when we left FL to make the move easier. So I am going on 6 months without a car. I am the kind of person who is a big multi-tasker and is usually motivated to get things done- a goal setter. I like being EFFICIENT. Well, without a car and with a baby, it is hard to do all of the responsibilities that I want to, the way I want to do them, and in the time I would like to do it in. Let's just say this has been a big adjustment for me to not really set an agenda for the day or I do, just not with very much on it! And a lot of it feels like playing because I have never really gone to the pool to play on a regular basis, gone on walks just to go somewhere and see something, or gone to the park to play or just sewed for the day, or sat and played and rolled around on the carpet. There has always been better things to do with my time, but now that I am a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom) it is what I am supposed to do to teach my baby and take care of her needs as well as my husbands. So some days get away from me because we don't get very much done or I don't feel like I have the means to without a car so I sometimes don't even walk down the street to get the mail. New SAHMs could all agree with me I am sure about how it feels some days like you just woke up and now it is already time to cook dinner and you don't have very much to show for yourself. Well all of the guilt I have felt on these days is self-placed- not from Luke at all but I don't like it.
So Bottom-line: it has been quite frustrating somedays to not have a car... (although I must say to myself that I have done a pretty good job considering what I am used to and my personality).

Thus we have been pretty hot and heavy on the used car pursuit in the last couple of months but mostly the last couple of weeks. We have been a lot more dedicated and taken a lot of time and effort and emotional stress between the two of us. Going after work with our bebe and staying up late when we should all be sleeping. Not so much the funnest thing Luke and I have ever done. He does not like haggling or bargaining at all. (Sometime I will tell you about the first experience of car dealing at Fletcher-Jones Toyota. You will die about some of the things he did as I almost did each time he opened his mouth and showed another one of our cards. He pretty much would give them another ball to put in their cannon everytime he spoke so that when it came down to compromising- they had no needm to. Luke readily admits now some of the mistakes he made. And he doesn't know why. But his second time, at Planet Nissan, he did a much better job. Go Luke! It is hard to do. Car salesmen are not REALLY your friend.)

Well the night before I learned this lesson, we had gone to test-drive a car from Craigslist and when we got back home, Luke dropped us off and went to go get the mail. We have only one mail key on my keyring inside my diaper bag which was in the car so I just left it there for him to get it to get the mail. Well it was late and I guess he forgot to bring my bag in with the mail. The next morning, I woke up and made my mental agenda of things I need to do before I go out of town, hoping that I would be able to get a lot conquered today. I went to get something out of my diaper bag and I could not find it anywhere. I had not realized before now that my diaperbag was my last key to any ounce of freedom that I still had without a car. I panicked and I think all of the frustration of not having a car for 6 months hit me then because without my diaper bag, I did not have my keys. And without my keys... I could not leave the house because Luke wanted me to lock it. I couldn't even go check the mail because the stupid mail key was with all the rest of the keys. So even if I wanted to leave the house open and leave, I couldn't even go on a walk or on my bike because we are in a gated community and the key to the the gates was again- in the diaper bag in the car. Then I remembered what else was in my diaperbag, some of my makeup (which was a small thing) but in this heat it would melt in an hour in that car and it was just one more thing that I didn't have freedom to do, get ready for the day. So I called Luke at work and he couldn't talk long because he had kids in therapy at the time but I was wigging out that he better hurry and get it out of the car because it would melt and then I started in on what was I going to do today because I couldn't eve leave the house. Of course he was like- "Don't worry, I will bring you your bag at lunch" (30 min both ways). I said I didn't NEED it, that I could wait a couple of hours and I could do stuff at home but it was just the fact that I had no FREEDOM! I COULDN'T LEAVE THE HOUSE. And he was IN TROUBLE because he didn't bring my bag in from the car yesterday and it was his fault. I was sick of no FREEDOM. He had to go but I told him not to bring it. I tried calling him back a little later but couldn't get an answer. Which got me more and more frustrated so I did the only thing I decided I could do OUTSIDE of the house... go swimming. So we got all changed and ready and we were just about to go and Luke walks in the house with my bag. Luke, the angel, thought he had saved the day and made everything better- which just set me off more not realizing why. (I realized too that I couldn't even go swimming like I planned because the pool key was IN THE DIAPER BAG! I do not have very good feelings toward my bag right now. Can you tell?)
I was angry because Luke thought it was all about the bag and keys, when really it came down to me feeling like I was "Barefoot and pregnant and in the kitchen"-the best way I can describe it, (no I am not pregnant). Luke didn't understand that what I wanted from him was to talk about it and identify and sympathize with me that it would be hard to be stuck here with a baby without a car, day after day, in a new place. I wanted to know that he understood that it was hard for me and talk about what we were going to do about it. You know, COME CLOSER TOGETHER THROUGH SHARING FEELINGS- like women want to do. But not Luke- because he is a man. He saw my pain/problem and because he loves me did the quickest thing he could do to solve the problem- bring me my bag, and he would be the hero and it would all be taken care of. Well it didn't work that way in my book, that day.
He came home. I cried- obviously- and tried to explain what I was feeling. He couldn' t understand, got angry because he thought he did the right thing, I told him to leave and go back to work because he wasn't helping and meanwhile Gracie broke a glass dish from a new thing I got in the mail for Mandy's bridal shower and it shattered into pieces. I was so sad and distrought because Luke couldn't help me the way I needed. So I got on the computer and googled "I hate men!" I felt really sheepish for doing this but it was the only thing I thought I could do to make me feel better. I wanted to see what other women felt because I didn' t hate Luke. I knew he loved me with more than all of his heart, that was evident. I just hated that he couldn't identify with me and give me what I needed as I tried to explain it to him. And that I attributed to the fact that he was a man. Well my google search pretty much turned up nothing except sites on "abuse" and one that said the content was being worked on and will return shortly. (This was probably a good thing because it would have just fueled the fire had I found anything. Thanks for that blessing HF.) So then I decided I didn't hate men, I just didn't understand them. So I googled "difference between men and women" and this is the first site that I clicked on. I love google and I love HF because he gave me this website as the perfect blessing to this problem I was having.
http://www.oregoncounseling.org/ArticlesPaper s/Documents/DifferencesMenWomen.htm
Red is good.
Blue is most pertinent to this situation.
Green is the solution.

"None of us would argue the fact that men and women are physically different. The physical differences are rather obvious and most of these can be seen and easily measured. Weight, shape, size and anatomy are not political opinions but rather tangible and easily measured. The physical differences between men and women provide functional advantages and have survival value. Men usually have greater upper body strength, build muscle easily, have thicker skin, bruise less easily and have a lower threshold of awareness of injuries to their extremities. Men are essentially built for physical confrontation and the use of force. Their joints are well suited for throwing objects. A man’s skull is almost always thicker and stronger than a women’s. The stereotype that men are more "thick-headed" than women is not far fetched. A man’s "thick headedness", and other anatomical differences have been associated with a uniquely male attraction to high speed activities and reckless behavior that usually involve collisions with other males or automobiles. Men invented the game "chicken", not women. Men, and a number of other male species of animal seem to charge and crash into each other a great deal in their spare time.

Women on the other hand have four times as many brain cells (neurons) connecting the right and left side of their brain. This latter finding provides physical evidence that supports the observation that men rely easily and more heavily on their left brain to solve one problem one step at a time. Women have more efficient access to both sides of their brain and therefore greater use of their right brain. Women can focus on more than one problem at one time and frequently prefer to solve problems through multiple activities at a time. Nearly every parent has observed how young girls find the conversations of young boys "boring". Young boys express confusion and would rather play sports than participate actively in a conversation between 5 girls who are discussing as many as three subjects at once!

The psychological differences between man and women are less obvious. They can be difficult to describe. Yet these differences can profoundly influence how we form and maintain relationships that can range from work and friendships to marriage and parenting.

Recognizing, understanding, discussing as well as acting skillfully in light of the differences between men and women can be difficult. Our failure to recognize and appreciate these differences can become a life long source of disappointment, frustration, tension and eventually our downfall in a relationship. Not only can these differences destroy a promising relationship, but most people will grudgingly accept or learn to live with the consequences. Eventually they find some compromise or way to cope. Few people ever work past these difficulties. People tend to accept what they don’t understand when they feel powerless to change it.

Relationships between men and women are not impossible or necessarily difficult. Problems simply arise when we expect or assume the opposite sex should think, feel or act the way we do. It’s not that men and women live in completely different realities. Rather, our lack of knowledge and mutual experience gives rise to our difficulties.

Despite great strides in this country toward equality, modern society hasn’t made relationships between men and women any easier. Today’s society has taught us and has imposed on us the expectation that men and women should live together continuously, in communion, and in harmony. These expectations are not only unrealistic but ultimately they leave people feeling unloved, inadequate, cynical, apathetic or ashamed.

The challenge facing men and women is to become aware of their identities, to accept their differences, and to live their lives fully and as skillfully as possible. To do this we must first understand in what ways we are different. We must avoid trying to change others to suit our needs. The following illustrates some important differences between men and women. These differences are not absolute. They describe how men and women are in most situations most of the time.

Problems

Men and women approach problems with similar goals but with different considerations. While men and women can solve problems equally well, their approach and their process are often quit different. For most women, sharing and discussing a problem presents an opportunity to explore, deepen or strengthen the relationship with the person they are talking with. Woman are usually more concerned about how problems are solved than merely solving the problem itself. For women, solving a problem can profoundly impact whether they feel closer and less alone or whether they feel distant and less connected. The process of solving a problem can strengthen or weaken a relationship. Most men are less concerned and do not feel the same as women when solving a problem.

Men approach problems in a very different manner than women. For most men, solving a problem presents an opportunity to demonstrate their competence, their strength of resolve, and their commitment to a relationship. How the problem is solved is not nearly as important as solving it effectively and in the best possible manner. Men have a tendency to dominate and to assume authority in a problem solving process. They set aside their feelings provided the dominance hierarchy was agreed upon in advance and respected. They are often distracted and do not attend well to the quality of the relationship while solving problems.

Some of the more important differences can be illustrated by observing groups of young teenage boys and groups of young teenage girls when they attempt to find their way out of a maze. A group of boys generally establish a hierarchy or chain of command with a leader who emerges on his own or through demonstrations of ability and power. Boys explore the maze using scouts while remaining in distant proximity to each other. Groups of girls tend to explore the maze together as a group without establishing a clear or dominant leader. Relationships tends to be co-equal. Girls tend to elicit discussion and employ "collective intelligence" to the task of discovering a way out. Girls tend to work their way through the maze as a group. Boys tend to search and explore using structured links and a chain of command.

Thinking

While men and women can reach similar conclusions and make similar decisions, the process they use can be quit different and in some cases can lead to entirely different outcomes. In general, men and women consider and process information differently.

Women tend to be intuitive global thinkers. They consider multiple sources of information within a process that can be described as simultaneous, global in perspective and will view elements in the task in terms of their interconnectedness. Women come to understand and consider problems all at once. They take a broad or "collective" perspective, and they view elements in a task as interconnected and interdependent. Women are prone to become overwhelmed with complexities that "exist", or may exist, and may have difficulty separating their personal experience from problems.

Men tend to focus on one problem at a time or a limited number of problems at a time. They have an enhanced ability to separate themselves from problems and minimize the complexity that may exist. Men come to understand and consider problems one piece at a time. They take a linear or sequential perspective, and view elements in a task as less interconnected and more independent. Men are prone to minimize and fail to appreciate subtleties that can be crucial to successful solutions. A male may work through a problem repeatedly, talking about the same thing over and over, rather than trying to address the the problem all at once.

While there are differences in the ways that men and women think, it must be emphasized that they can and do solve problems in a similar manner. There are no absolutes, only tendencies.

Memory

Women have an enhanced ability to recall memories that have strong emotional components. They can also recall events or experiences that have similar emotions in common. Women are very adept at recalling information, events or experiences in which there is a common emotional theme. Men tend to recall events using strategies that rely on reconstructing the experience in terms of elements, tasks or activities that took place. Profound experiences that are associated with competition or physical activities are more easily recalled. There appears to be a structural and chemical basis for observed memory differences. For instance, the hippocampus, the area in the brain primarily responsible for memory, reacts differently to testosterone in men and it reacts differently to changing levels of estrogen and progesterone in women. Women tend to remember or be reminded of different "emotional memories" and content to some extent as part of their menstrual cycle.

Sensitivity

There is evidence to suggest that a great deal of the sensitivity that exists within men and women has a physiological basis. It has been observed that is many cases, women have an enhanced physical alarm response to danger or threat. Their autonomic and sympathetic systems have a lower threshold of arousal and greater reactivity than men. In both men and women, higher levels of testosterone directly affect the aggressive response and behavior centers of the brain. Increasing estrogen and progesterone in men has a "feminizing" effect. Sexually aggressive males become less focused on sexual aggressive behavior and content when they are given female hormones. On the other hand, changing estrogen and progesterone levels in women during menstrual cycles can produce a "flood" of memories as well as strong emotions. Increasing or high levels of testosterone can produce an emotional insensitivity, empathic block and increased indifference to the distress others.

At the heart of sensitivity is our capacity to form, appreciate and maintain relationships that are rewarding. Even here there are important differences. For men, what demonstrates a solid relationship is quite different from that of most women. Men feel closer and validated through shared activities. Such activities include sports, competition, outdoor activities or sexual activities that are decidedly active and physical. While both men and women can appreciate and engage in these activities they often have preferential differences. Women, on the other hand, feel closer and validated through communication, dialogue and intimate sharing of experience, emotional content and personal perspectives. Many men tend to find such sharing and involvement uncomfortable, if not, overwhelming.

The Task Of Relationship Facing Men and Women

The task that faces men and women is to learn to accept their differences, avoid taking their differences as personal attempts to frustrate each other, and to compromise whenever possible. The idea that one gender can think and feel like the other if they truly loved each is rather absurd. Sure, a man or women could act in consideration of the other’s needs, but this would not necessarily be rewarding and honest. Holding the benefit of another above our own is rewarding. But from time to time, and more often for most of us, it is important to be our self and to be accepted, and not to be the source of distress and disappointment in the lives of people we love.

The Role Of Counseling and Therapy

Counseling and therapy can help a couple understand and appreciate each other, and even benefit from their differences. Understanding these differences intellectually is not enough. A counselor or therapist can help point out these differences, as they surface, and guide a couple to a greater level of relationship. Understanding that differences are not intentional and that misunderstandings are merely the result of expectations that are not realistic can make a huge difference in a relationship. The differences that can be sensed between a man and women can deepen their relationship. More importantly, when men seek to understand and appreciate that which is feminine, they come to a deeper understanding of their self. And when a women seeks to understand that which is masculine in men, they come to appreciate and understand more about their own masculinity.

Now hold the phone... in no way am I implying that because of this one misunderstanding that Luke and I need counseling or anyone else for that matter. Everyone CAN work it out between themselves IF you both want to. After finding this website, I had a huge aha! moment and understanding about why I was so frustrated and about why Luke acted the way he did (not the way I wanted) and he was frustrated by the whole thing suddenly came to me. I felt so bad and remorseful about the way I acted, but good at the same time because I understood why I acted that way (please note, Aunt Flo was also visiting) and why Luke acted the way he did. I thought he was crazy to come running from work when I could wait a couple of hours and I just needed to talk. But after reading this I realized the level of his commitment to me was so deep because it didn't matter what he was doing or what would happen, he just wanted my problem to be solved. He is sooooo good to me. I love him so much. But we have our times like this one when you can get so frustrated with each other. Everyone does!! And during times like these I am going to remember that men and women ARE different. And no matter how hard I want it or try to get it, Luke can NOT, should NOT, and NEVER will be a WOMAN!

LESSON LEARNED: I have to stop making Luke be a woman for me!
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hee hee hee ho ho ho hoo hoo ha ha ha how ha hee ho hoo ha ha! Luke and I are both laughing about it now.
AND I GOT A CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let me know if this helps any of you! Hope so.

Huke n' Lollie

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

One prescription for non-bozo juice please.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Gracie's first REAL word (No, I am not kidding cause Gracie's mom is a speech-language pathologist and so she knows it was real), walking and dancing!

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Gracie is walking and she has a tooth!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Father's Day gift from us girls

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

We're Ba`ack!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

While I am out of town, enjoy Gracie's cute laugh!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

A man cannot, should not, and will not... act and feel like a woman!!

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