Something broke inside me...

... but I know I am going to be okay and I am going to get myself back. This last 2 years has been so hard and we thought things were at an end and turning around in 2012. Moving to SC was supposed to be the end of it, but it only got worse. I am so grateful that these 7 weeks of Luke living apart from us are over. He really helps me so in so many ways and I desperately need him. I don't know how you military wives do it so often. You are amazing!

After 6 weeks of:

1. No car (we went everywhere with a bike and bike trailer, in heat, humidity, wind, and bugs)

2. No cell phone (does add more stress if you are used to having one and if you lock yourself out)

3. No husband (he came home a few weekends which was so nice - I needed that)

4. No job after this one is over (Luke didn't get called for an interview for 2 positions he applied for and our backup plan after those jobs decided they aren't hiring afterall due to budget cuts)

5. No health insurance (And I found out I was pregnant... SURPRISE!!! You are not helping, nausea and headaches and exhaustion. I really hate that I probably have to get on medicaid again too!)

All while I worked my online therapy job, Connections Academy, during nap time till the end of the school year. (Towards the end I could not even stay awake during my last sessions.) 

I am an independent person! I am goal-oriented, self-reliant and I like progression. I do not like going sideways, or going backwards. I certainly do not like being dependent. I don't like needing help in all the ways I am used to being able to help myself. I don't like asking for rides. I don't like borrowing! (Carrie Stefanie was the best to let me borrow her van a few times and watch the kids for a few IEP phone conferences I had. I love her!) And I don't like being alone with everything being up to me. I am grateful I am not a single parent. That would be a scary task for me. I am ready to move on! I am ready to do something about all of this! I am used to doing all that I can do at my very best and having good results. Not nothing! I need to do something. I need to get out of here. I need to get a job. I need to get insurance. I don't have to be rich, I just NEED PROGRESSION and I need my future to not be so unclear, empty and unknown. 

That 6th week when Luke put the nail in the coffin that the backup job, he was going to get, fell through, I just couldn't do it anymore. I seriously felt like I was back in high school with that hard of a challenge, hating life, being a depressed zombie, wanting to just be done and go to heaven already, and not knowing the purpose of any of it. Because life certainly isn't fun! And I know the purpose of life is not to have fun! But what is it? Well 3 paraphrased words of advice that are helping me right now are: 1- The purpose of life is to become like our Heavenly Father. And that is hard! So life is hard! 2- When you are going through trials you WANT to know the purpose, but most of the time you don't get it until after or very long after. So put the unknown purpose in a box, close it, and put it on a shelf and don't open it again until after the trial. 3- President Monson said to the YW in April "Life by the yard is hard, but by the inch, it's a cinch." 

I have learned a lot during these times and I am still learning. One of the major things I am learning is to have faith and really pray from hour to hour and little moment to little moment, not just by life events, monthly or weekly in chunks looking ahead. Because I can't see ahead! Just like God taught the Children of Israel in the Bible to have faith in him and trust him from day to day too because he wouldn't give them Manna to eat ahead of time, but wait and trust that they would be fed at each meal. What an awesome lesson to learn and I am sure that was HARD for a lot of them. Just like me. Some of them didn't trust Him and tried to store some for later "just in case" and it turned bad and got worms. They learned! It hurts to learn! 

So even though I am not back to my fully happy, optimistic, have fun each day self, I have faith that I will get myself back. I was able to live with Luke in his hotel last week taking care of the girls during the day, having no job, and being a zombie at night with Luke to help. And I slept a lot. And one night I stayed up till 2 and read Hunger Games - something for myself. I am sorry that I have not blogged. I learned that I don't like to write or talk to people when I don't have anything good/happy to say. I don't want to be a complainer or a downer.  But you have to document the bad times too. So there you go. And here are a few things  I "want" to remember that hopefully I can laugh about one day: 

1. Marker in the toaster - Katie dropped a sharpie in my brand new toaster and it melted to the inside - ruined!

2. Locked myself out - no car, no phone, hungry, naptime/worktime/ dishwasher guy coming in 30 minutes because it wasn't working. I had my neighbor saw the handle and beat it with a hammer until it popped open because buying a new doorknob is cheaper than calling a locksmith. Really! Now you know if you ever need to do it too. The dishwasher guy came and said, "Uh it looks like someone has been trying to get in your house." Sheepishly, I said, "Uh yeah, it was me." :) 

3. Bought a van but then it fell through - yeah, one weekend that Luke came home we drove 3 hours to AL after I negotiated a price on the phone for a Honda Odyssey that he guaranteed was ready to drive home and we would be happy. We went, drove it, it swayed horribly, he guaranteed to fix it and deliver it to me. We signed the paperwork because we were getting it for like 2 grand under book. Well it just didn't feel right when he called me to confirm delivery. He could not give me a straight answer that it was totally fixed and he was a jerk and not trustworthy. We backed out even though we didn't want to. I really wanted a car. We had spent so much time looking already. Don't force decisions though if it doesn't feel right. I think we would have been sorry for the van and for the car payment. We really shouldn't have even been approved for the loan. Ugh. It hurt to not get it. 

4. No hot water - yeah for 3 days till my friend called a plumber for me because she said that was unacceptable, I was trying to save money. Paying for the bill and two new heating elements was worth it so I could actually get the dishes clean again and shower for more than 1 minute

5. Lost my flip flop in the middle of the road - yes I crossed the 4 lane divided highway we go on to do our grocery shopping in a hurry because I was going to be late for work. Started at a run and then hopped on my bike as my flipflop came off. Too dangerous and late to stop and get it. The missionaries helped me retrieve it later when I made my second trip back over there to get them dinner because I forgot I had signed up for it.

 

6. 5 things of poo stepped and smashed all over in the carpet while I was in the shower - pretty self explanatory.  Katie did it right after I let her get out of the shower first. I still have poo stains I couldn't get out.

7. Katie won’t eat - anything! I don't know what her deal is. She will only will eat sweet stuff. Which probably explains her rash. I think one night she ate 10 beans out of the chili in between 10 trips and crying fits in her crib. Yeah that was my strategy. Then I gave up.

8. Katie has a chin rash that won’t go away - probably yeast infection, probably from sugar being out of control, probably from mom snacking from being sick from being pregnant - ugh did I mention I do not love being pregnant? No ointments are working. And I can't afford to go to the dr. yet. 

9. Throw up and wet pants in our new van!! -  We were able to get our friends', the Fishes, from when we lived here before and who is now the branch president, van. They were generous to us and hope that we can pay it forward to someone in need when the time comes. That is what being self-reliant is all about. And serving and welfare in the church, being as self-reliant as we can so that we can help take care of others better and sometimes we need it too.  We got up at 6AM to drive them to Tallahassee to get their new van. Gracie got car sick (poor girl like her mom who gets sick everywhere, especially when pregnant). She threw up and wet her pants in our new van and we pulled over at a gas station to clean it up as best we could. We smelled it all the way home. Nothing to bond you like sharing a road trip with someone and adding throwup! We love the Fishes. I made it home 15 minutes before work and starving. But it was worth it. I can't stop saying the words, "I HAVE A VAN!"

 

10. Locked out again- Yes this is the last one because Luke is home but he still got to be here for this. I am used to going in and out of the garage on my bike so I don't carry my keys around anymore. Somehow the inside door in our garage got locked so we couldn't get in today after church. And Luke did not have the key to our new doorknob yet. UGH! At least we had access to our drill in our garage for Luke to drill the knob through. And we got in. The only consolation is that the door knob was a free one that we got from our neighbor after he sawed the previous one off that was all rusty. Remember above! No more getting locked out. We swear! 

 For Better or For Worse eh? Endure to the end because it's worth it!!! For all of us! Eternity or bust!!